my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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