Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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