If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
