Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
