who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
