he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
