Fuck appropriateness.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
