is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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