somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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