my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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