I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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