i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and she was petting her beer can
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize