I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
