oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
