Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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