pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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