Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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