mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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