does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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