I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
nutella sex= disaster
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize