Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
