i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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