I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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