'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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