i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
