two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
