Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
