You really coming over, don't trick.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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