I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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