dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
