My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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