it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
