I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
