I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
