I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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