My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
