im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
