i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
