Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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