so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize