Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You were trust falling into bushes
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
