This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Shame is for Republicans.
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