So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
