I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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