dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She bit a glass in half.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
