I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
