i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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