The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize