I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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