Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
