remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
