I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
