My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
