i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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